“A delusional belief held by a mother that she is capable of doing all things for all people”
One thing I keep learning as I parent my three children who are on the spectrum is that nothing in their world is ever black or white. Colours are always painted outside dotted lines. In their reality, there isn’t a silver lining. There’s gold and seven other colours of the rainbow lined up, sometimes spinning and twirling twenty four hours of each day.
Children with autism neither subscribe to what society refers to as “normalcy” nor to the description of Bruno Bettelheim who had nothing else to do with his time but come up with ridiculous theories to sum up autism. Let’s not exclude the medical model of disability that finds pleasure in adding words such as “incapable”, “deficient” “impaired” “unable” “limited” “disabled” to describe autistics. The world has an annoying natural tendency to label anything that presents itself to go against the perceived “normal” as “abnormal”. Basically the narrative is; “everyone on the spectrum is abnormal” and therefore needs fixing.
So, the idea of being a supermom is delusional? Somehow it is abnormal to be able to handle multiple activities like raising autistic children and work a nine-to-five. Somehow a woman is unable to run a successful business and still manage her household requirements. She has limited time to have children, study and still participate in social activities. Her career prospects are impaired because she chose to be a stay-at-home mom and home school her autistic children. Somehow it is delusional to have amazing superpowers of teaching, nurturing, multitasking, providing unconditional love to your family while doing all other things that mean a lot us as mothers raising children with ASD.
When I was in high school back in 1999, I decided to enter my school’s beauty pageant that was organised by the grade 8’s. The norm was; “11’s weren’t allowed to enter the pageant because according to the school’s unwritten laws, they had a lot of studying in preparation for tertiary level education” leaving little time left to focus on the pageant. In South Africa, universities require grade 11’s academic report to secure placement once grade 12 is completed. I, being my eccentric self, decided to enter the pageant anyway amidst my teacher’s discouragement and hurtful words from some of my classmates. I kept hearing this voice within, that kept whispering that I am able to do all things, that I have strength stored within to go after anything I desired.
There were moments when I kept wondering if the decision to participate in the pageant was best for me given the circumstances however, the Whisperer’s voice was stronger. To cut the long story short, I ended up winning the contest and I was crowned Queen!! I became the first grade 11 to ever enter the pageant in the history of the school and win. I’m sure I paved way for more to follow. It was at that moment that I learnt a valuable lesson that I carried with right through to my adult life. The art of achieving any task in life has a lot to do with ignoring howling negative voices you encounter along the way. This is how I raise my children with autism as a supermom. Oh pardon me, let me rephrase that. This is how I raise my children with autism as a woman who is allegedly delusional since I claim to have the capability to do much for everyone I hold dear and still ignore trolls along the way.
Children with autism live in a world where negativity is constantly howling and growling at them. Sometimes these negative voices are directed to us as their mothers. We are often given unsolicited advice on how to “cure” them. The truth is, we don’t have to listen to these voices. We can simply ignore. We have internal voices within that always direct our daily living.
We are capable of ignoring negative reports from the doctors and be hopeful that our children are getting better at being the best versions of themselves. We can disregard negative definitions and phrases imposed onto our children by others. The world can come up with their own definition of autism or that of a supermom. Ours should not be clouded by the medical model of disability including that of the DSM-5’s description of autism. Our definition should be birthed from pure understanding of autism because we interact daily with our autistic children. Our definition of autism should stem from knowledge because they teach us so much more about autism. Only they know what autism is, what it feels like to be on the spectrum because they live with the condition 24/7.
“People with autism all have a tremendous gift. It’s a matter of finding that gift and nurturing it.” – Edie Brannigan
The concept of being a supermom is not a delusional belief. We don’t claim to do all things for everyone at all times. To me, a supermom is a loving mother who is raising her autistic children the best way she knows. She is raising children with incredible ability of not perceiving this dimension the way the rest of us do, a mother who has incredible psychological and emotional strength enough to keep a home intact while pursing other interests. A supermom ignores negative voices, she loves unconditionally, protects and guards her children. In my books, a supermom is a woman with extraordinary superpowers. The only people who are delusional are those with white coats, who come up with ridiculous hypothesises and theories about autism from the other side of the control room.
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